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By - March 17, 2011

Jihadi Cosmo

Jihad Style Women's Magazine CosmoThe muslim world of Jihad has stepped up to the plate for their women.

I’m sure decades of jealously over the West’s magazines such as Cosmopolitan have finally brought about change in the Jihad world.

The new magazine, Al-Shamikha is the fundamentalist Muslim answer to rags like Cosmopolitan.  Just as Cosmo has numerous articles helping women find different ways to keep their man happy, Al-Shamikha accomplishes the same task in a more Sharia compliant way.

Actual articles from this Jihad Style magazine include:

  • Advice on finding the right man (“marrying a mujahideen”)
  • How to achieve a perfect complexion (stay inside with your face covered)
  • Sisterly advice such as “not [to] go out except when necessary”
  • When at the beach always wear a niqab (burka) for protection from the sun
  • Just be careful venting the burka after a couple hours in the sun…could be worse than a dutch oven.

Red State Report got advance information on upcoming articles from our inside source and those include articles about:

  • “Proper Rock Throwing Techniques”
  • “How to entertain 72 virgins on a martyr’s budget”
  • “Do you buy or lease your hut in Gaza?”
  • “What to choose in a vest?  Bulletproof or suicide?”
  • “Accessorize your evening burka with the right RPG launcher”
  • “Take your next vacation in all 57 states”
  • “How to build the ultimate sand box”
  • “A blow up doll for Jihadists”
  • “How to find a man amongst all the rubble”
  • “Chastity belt or suicide belt”
  • “Suicide Hot-line, we can help you find your calling”
  • “Smile under that Burka- he can tell”
  • “Plucking that uni-brow will start your own Jihad!”
  • “How to grow your poppy field profits”
  • “Opium den or den mother?”
  • “How to avoid American sniper fire at 2 miles away”
  • “Bad hair..good burka”
  • “What he really means when he says he wants you to get implants”.

The new jihad magazine has corporate sponsors as well:   the JRA (Jihadi Riflemens Association), ACME do-it-yourself jihad bombs, Rent-A-Van (don’t forget to purchase the damage insurance), Bed Bath and Beyond for their outer wear needs.  It will also feature a film critic that only writes about films made by Jews.  He will rate them on a bomb scale.  Monthly features will include personal grooming tips, but I can assure you it will have blank pages.  Also, let’s not forget the  great contributions to the scientific community (another blank page).  Finally, everyone’s favorite monthly feature:

  • Smoking the hooka hash (tips from Charlie Sheen)
  • and for the do-it-yourselfer: how to rebuild after the bulldozer.

The jihad style magazine will not be featuring any pork recipes or beer ads.

Be sure to look for this new magazine, found right next to your favorite Cosmo, and Glamour magazines in it’s patented plastic cover that conceals any evidence of bomb residue from your latest friendly jihad.

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