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By - March 22, 2012

Unconfirmed Breaking News/Mar 22nd

AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Georgetown University Law Center student Sandra Fluke, returned to Congress with more demands of the federal government. She initially testified before the House Democratic Steering and Policy Committee that all women should get free contraceptives. Now she is saying that the federal government should also pay for the alcohol that many men will need, in order to become temporarily interested in women that they normally wouldn’t give the time of day.

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – While in an Irish pub, President Obama is seen talking to a couple of patrons. He explained to them, that the stress of being president is the main reason why he rarely makes important decisions when he’s sober.

BREAKING NEWS – San Juan Capistrano, California – City Hall, backed by the ACLU, state that they will continue to impose fines of $300.00 on anyone who conducts a bible study at home. They both maintain that bible studies are illegal, because they are designed to impede an individual’s constitutional right to burn in hell.

BREAKING NEWS – Chicago, Illinois – After less than a complete season, Oprah Winfrey fires Rosie O’Donnell from OWN. A spokesperson for OWN stated that Oprah felt compelled to cancel the show, when she finally realized how ugly Rosie was without make-up.

BREAKING NEWS – Hollywood, California – Hollywood insiders state that Tom Hanks career probably won’t be affected by his narration of a pro-Obama short film. Even though conservatives and republicans are threatening to boycott his future films, the buzz in Tinseltown is that his most recent movies have been so bad, that very few people from either party will pay to watch them.

BREAKING NEWS – Trenton, New Jersey – While wearing sunglasses, GOP candidate Ron Paul and his campaign manager had little success trying to solicit the Jewish vote.

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