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By - April 8, 2012

Unconfirmed Breaking News/Easter Edition

AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM

BREAKING NEWS – New York City, New York – On his radio show, Al Sharpton demands that all candy manufacturers rename the popular Easter gift for kids, “chocolate bunnies”. He explained that the current title is demeaning toward blacks, and all of the CEOs from the candy companies that sell chocolate bunnies, are racists. A spokesman for the companies maintain that civil rights advocate couldn’t be more wrong. And they refuse to embrace Sharpton’s suggested new title, “sweet tasting cocoa based rodents”, citing that it was too long and would probably confuse the average consumer.

BREAKING NEWS – Santa Monica, California – Students storm a meeting of the Board of Trustees at Santa Monica College demanding that their tuition remains free. They also wanted the school to pay for their contraceptives, and any medication they may need for contracting an STD during spring break.

 

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move, all nine Supreme Court justices sign a letter objecting to President Obama giving their home addresses to the Black Panthers. Obama responded by saying, which ever one of them votes against his health bill, will probably need catastrophic coverage.

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – New York City, New York – The President of the American Constitution Society Caroline Fredrickson, defends ObamaCare on the O’Reilly Factor. She alleged the federal government can force people to buy something, and she used the Militia Act of 1792 when people were told to by muskets. Fredrickson also stated that ObamaCare should not be resolved in the U.S. Supreme Court, but at a court in London England, because the original 13 colonies acted illegally when they initially declared their independence from Great Britain in 1776.

 

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – After his legal team’s rough week in front of the Supreme Court, President Obama indirectly threatens the nine judges regarding overturning ObamaCare. He explained that he has the authority to send any conservative judges to Guantanamo Bay indefinitely, if they render a “subversive” opinion, citing national security risks. He added that any liberal judges that votes to overturn it, can be sued for breach of contract, as per their previously written secret agreement.

A classic remake of the “Three Stooges” will be released next month and I already know that most women won’t be interested in seeing it. But we guys know, that running a saw across someone’s head, or pulling someone by the tongue with a pair of pliers, or trying to use two fingers to gouge someone’s eyes out is real acting, not this boring Meryl Streep nonsense.

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