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By - May 6, 2012

Unconfirmed Breaking News/May 6th

AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Mitt Romney continues to get very little nationwide support on his recent suggestion on how to deal with high gas prices.

BREAKING NEWS – Chicago, Illinois – Even though OWN is on the verge of bankruptcy losing over $100 million in 2011, Oprah Winfrey is trying to get a loan for her struggling company. A source close to her stated that every bank turned her down, and they all told her that the only organization that would give her a loan for $100 million, knowing that the company plans to file for bankruptcy, is the Obama Administration.

BREAKING NEWS – Kabul, Pakistan – The Taliban launch several suicide bomb attacks, protesting President Obama’s recent surprise visit to Pakistan. They stated that the primary source of their anger, was that Obama violated the basic common courtesy in the Book of Etiquette, which is to call ahead instead of just showing up unannounced.

BREAKING NEWS – Troy, New York – ACLU President Sandra Herman, comes under fire after speaking at the Sanctuary for Independent Media. She stated that using the term “illegal alien” instead of “undocumented workers”, is bigoted and should be construed as hate speech. Herman said she also objected to the word “rapist”, and prefers the term, “men that impose aggressive sex on unsuspecting women”.

BREAKING NEWS – Atlanta, Georgia – Rumors continue to circulate regarding the senility of former President Jimmy Carter. Questions about his mental state arose from a book signing, when Carter had to ask a fan to help him spell his own name. A spokesman for the former president stated that this is not newsworthy, because he had the exact same issues when he was in the White House.

BREAKING NEWS – Plano, Texas – JC Penney announces that since Ellen DeGeneres has become their spokesperson, sales of women’s clothing in their stores has increased dramatically. Especially in the “butch” section.

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