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By - September 4, 2012

Unconfimed Breaking News/Sept 4th

AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM

BREAKING NEWS – Denver Colorado – Sandra Fluke, who famously testified at a Congressional hearing that the federal government should pay for her birth control, states that she plans on taking it one step further. She tells a Denver crowd, that she will soon be lobbying for a bill to get passed, that will make it a felony for men to change their cell phone numbers, shortly after their first date.

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – While speaking at a Sunday morning service, President Obama states that one of his goals if re-elected, is to make it illegal for bible publishers to print anything negative regarding homosexuality, calling it hate speech. He acknowledged that the bible condemned it back then, but concluded that God had no idea how progressive and liberal, society would eventually become.

BREAKING NEWS – Hollywood, California – PETA and several Muslim organizations, announces that they have finally persuaded actor Kevin Bacon into legally change his last name, because both of them found it offensive. PETA stated that they intend on using the same kind of pressure on “Mad Men” star Jon Hamm. And Muslim organizations plan on sending suicide bombers to any county fair, that has a barbecue rib cook off.

BREAKING NEWS – New York City, New York – MSNBC finally comes clean regarding them refusing to air any speeches given by blacks at the RNC convention. Phil Griffin who runs MSNBC, stated that it was an honest mistake. He said he forgot to submit the names for approval to President Obama during their daily conference call, discussing how to further his agenda.

BREAKING NEWS – Tampa, Florida – After Clint Eastwood speaks at the RNC convention, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder issues an arrest warrant for the famous/actor director. Holder is alleging that Eastwood violated several federal laws, by not registering the guns he used during the filming of the “Dirty Harry” series, even though they were props.

BREAKING NEWS – Mesquite, Texas – The Mesquite Pee Wee Football Association rules that 6-foot-1-inch Elijah Earnheart, that weighs nearly 300 pounds, is not eligible to play in their league even though he’s only 12. His mother stated that her son has been so depressed over the decision, that at lunch time, he rarely finishes his typical wheelbarrow of French fries.

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