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By - January 31, 2013

Unconfirmed Breaking News/Jan 31st

AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM

BREAKING NEWS – Hollywood, California – Despite an all-star cast, “Movie 43” is being universally called the “worst flick ever made” by every critic in America. According to reports from several cities nationwide it is so bad, that many theater owners have been arrested and tossed into jail after angry patrons walked out halfway through the movie while calling the police, legitimately claiming that they were robbed.

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Both President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reiterate the latest opinion of the Congressional Black Caucus during a “60 Minutes” interview. The President explained, that no matter who is elected in 2016, if they blame him or his administration for anything after they take office, it will reflect their lack of character, and they should be labeled either a racist or a race traitor. To show that he was being fair and objective, he said this criticism would apply to members of both parties.

BREAKING NEWS – Chicago, Illinois – After nearly 3.1 million people watched her interview with Lance Armstrong, Oprah Winfrey announces that she plans on doing similar shows that will also garnish her network some high ratings. She said she plans on getting O.J. Simpson to admit he murdered his wife, for Donald Trump to acknowledge that he wears a toupee, and for MSNBC’s Chris Matthews to confirm that he regularly fantasizes about marrying President Obama.

BREAKING NEWS – North Palm Beach, Florida – In less than a month after proposing to his ex-wife Elin Nordegren, Star Magazine reports that Tiger Woods has been dating Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn since November. According to Elin’s close friends she was so outraged, that she was planning on pretending to be Lindsey and have Tiger meet her in the Swiss Alps near a steep cliff, preferably with no witnesses.

BREAKING NEW – Milford, Connecticut – After several individuals recently filed a lawsuits against Subway Sandwiches, CEO Fred DeLuca acknowledges that they made a mistake by calling their popular sandwiches “footlongs”, when they are usually only eleven inches. He also said that in future, their footlongs will be measured by centimeters, because “many Americans are low information voters and are too stupid to understand the metric system, except for the people that moved here from Canada”.

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