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By - February 14, 2013

Unconfirmed Breaking News/Feb 14th

AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM

BREAKING NEWS – Sacramento, California – Governor Jerry Brown is upset with Texas Governor Rick Perry for running ads in California encouraging businesses to move to the Lone Star State because of the “low taxes, sensible regulations and fair legal system.” Brown countered by running ads stating that California is inclusive and very friendly to business owners that are illegal aliens, convicted felons, and a large variety of freaks.

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – At the Senate Armed Services Committee, former Senator Chuck Hagel repeatedly gave responses to questions, that many people felt made him look unprepared and or incompetent. One of his staff members explained that it was neither of those reasons, but instead blamed Hagel’s strange performance on the states he regularly visits that have legalized marijuana.

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Pawtucket, Rhode Island  – After fans voted in an online contest, Scottie dog has a new nemesis in Monopoly, a cat token. The popular board game decided to be more reflective of today’s society and replace old pieces with some new ones. Soon to be gone will be the thimble, wheelbarrow, and hat, which will be replaced with a crooked politician, an unregistered gun, and a crack pipe.

 

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – On Capitol Hill, Congressman John Conyers of the House Judiciary Committee states that the word “illegal immigrants” should not be used, but instead use the words “out of status”. He also stated that kidnappers should be referred to as “human acquisitioners” and serial killers should be called “consistent life suppressors”.

 

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – By a vote of 5 to 4, the U.S. Supreme Court rules that a contract can be enforced if a person makes a deal with the devil. The lawsuit filed by the ACLU on behalf of Satan, argued that even though he is the most wicked person that ever existed and wants everyone on this planet to eternally burn in hell, his rights should still be constitutionally protected.

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Los Angeles, California – Immediately after hip-hop artist Frank Ocean won a Grammy for “Best Urban Contemporary Album”, he confirmed the rumors that he is gay. However, he maintains that he still has “street creds”, because of his lengthy arrest record for repeatedly getting caught shoplifting at Victoria’s Secret.

 

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