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By - April 17, 2013

Unconfirmed Breaking News/Blake’s Advise Column

AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM

Because I always lived in big cities, my recent visit to a farm was quite a disappointing experience. After sitting outside for hours in a field near some crops with a cup in my hand, I learned that no “cream” comes from “wheat”, which proves that the title of that food is very misleading. I also discovered that “corn” cannot “stalk” anyone, and there aren’t any red bulls either.

 

 

 

Dear Blake,

My best friend just emailed a picture of her newborn baby. I hate to say it, but it is beyond ugly. I know when I see her next week, she’s going to ask me what do I think. Should I be honest, should I be deceptive, or avoid the question altogether?

Signed Gwendolyn, from Des Moines, Iowa

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Dear Gwendolyn,

If it’s your best friend, you obviously have to be sensitive to her feelings. But, she should be sensitive of how you are affected physically, especially if the sight of this child makes you nauseous. Using some tact and compassion, tell her that the medication you have to take to avoid your stomach from feeling queasy from looking at her baby, is not covered by your health plan and is costing you a fortune. Hopefully she’ll be understanding enough not to hold anything against you. If she happens to get mad at your honest assessment of the situation, tell her you’re only human, even though her child doesn’t appear to be. I hope this helps.

Blake

 

Dear Blake,

I have selenophobia (fear of the moon). I won’t even go outside at night knowing that big thing is floating in the sky and staring at me. What can I do about this? I tried writing my congressman to see if he could have it moved to another part of this planet, but he has yet to respond to any of my countless letters. What should I do?

Signed Taylor, from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

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Dear Taylor,

I’ve always thought the moon was beautiful and romantic. The soft glow has inspired many a poet throughout history. Thus I don’t understand why you’re exaggerating your self importance by assuming that a satellite 240,000 miles away would squander it’s time glaring at you, out of all the billions of people on this planet, especially in that dusty state in which you reside. However, you just may be able to bond with your congressman, because many of them are also mentally unstable. Legend does tell us that certain type of people are dramatically affected by the moon. When it appears, do you quickly grow fangs, fur, and a tail? If your answer is yes, start wearing a flea collar, and take two silver bullets and call me in the morning. I hope this helps.

Blake

 

Dear Blake,

I am in my second year of college, and I am outraged at my parents! They refused to let me go on spring break this year, and ordered me home during that time period. I will admit that the last spring break, I was so wasted, that I slept on a park bench for two days before I sobered up. Even with all that in mind, as a college student I feel my parents should be legally obligated to indulge me in my rite of passage. Do you back me up?

Signed Conrad, from Tallahassee, Florida

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Dear Conrad,

I suggest that you draft a letter to your parents, expressing exactly what you conveyed to me. This will provide them with a hard copy of something they can laugh at, when they aren’t blaming each other for your conception. Are you kidding me? You really think you parents should be obligated by law to finance your drinking binges, along with whatever other creative entertainment you want to be involved in? Are you affiliated with a fraternity or are you independently stupid? You didn’t name the college you attend, so I’m assuming that either you haven’t taken any courses in “common sense” or your school doesn’t offer any. Hopefully, one of these days, the high concentration of senior citizens in your state will rise up against the ongoing reckless buffoonery of college eggheads on spring break, and starting running you guys over in their motorize wheelchairs. No matter how severe your injury, I seriously doubt if any court in Florida will convict them. I hope this helps.

Blake

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