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By - May 9, 2013

Unconfirmed Breaking News/May 9th

AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Hillary Clinton tells Congress that she and her former staff at the State Department are currently going over all of the documents regarding the attack on the U.S. Embassy in Benghazi. She explained that she is confident that within the next 10 days, she’ll be able to present some compelling evidence that emphatically proves that the security failure was Bush’s fault.

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Trenton, New Jersey – Governor Chris Christie announces that he secretly underwent gastric band surgery in February to try to lose weight at the urging of his family. His spokesman Michael Drewniak, told the Associated Press that the New Jersey Governor’s decision to have the surgery has nothing to do with a possible presidential bid in 2016, but it was because his family members were exhausted from being in rotating 24 hour shifts armed with assault weapons at home, guarding the refrigerator and pantry.

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Newark, New Jersey – Grammy Award winning singer Lauryn Hill gets sentenced to three months in prison for not paying taxes on the $1.5 million she made from 2005 to 2007. She blamed her legal issues on racism she stating, “I am a child of former slaves who had a system imposed on them. I had an economic system imposed on me”. When she went on to say that “people simply can’t relate to what it feels like to have their race being oppressed for so many years”, several Native Americans that happened to be in the courtroom shouted, “Stop whining!”

 

BREAKING NEWS – Hollywood, California – Kathy Griffin was detained and questioned by policeman in Los Angeles, after she was spotted walking around town without make-up. According to the officers that interrogated her, she looked so much like a “walking corpse”, that they would not release her until they contacted every funeral home in Orange County, to make sure that all their bodies were present and accounted for.

 

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Hollywood, California – In a very emotional speech, former leading man Robert Redford tells a large crowd that it has been very difficult for him to deal with the embarrassing fact of how horribly he’s aged. He choked up and fought back tears after a survey from the audience was taken, and they overwhelming stated that Paul Newman in his current state probably still looks better than him, even though he died five years ago.

 

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