By - June 3, 2013

Unconfirmed Breaking News/June 3rd


BREAKING NEWS – Washington D.C. – President Obama’s chief counsel Kathryn Ruemmler, states that he is seriously considering suing reporters at ABC for breach of contract. She explained that during the past month, they have repeatedly violated their signed agreement with the White House, which was not to ask Press Secretary Jay Carney any tough questions during press conferences. She also stated that Carney has already filed a small claims lawsuit against ABC, alleging that they are partially responsible for him ruining several of his pants. He explained that he can easily prove that he lost control of his bladder several times, when he frequently stammered while trying to respond to relevant questions regarding any of the current scandals.


BREAKING NEWS – London, England – In a recent poll by the Daily Telegraph, the majority of Britons want the current gun laws to be changed, so they can start owning firearms to protect their homes. Most of the British people polled, stated that the present way they protect their homes is often very ineffective, because the average burglar is not deterred with the possibility of having a cup of hot tea thrown in their face.



BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, tells Congress that he did not commit perjury when he told them that he knew nothing about the Justice Department targeting Fox reporters, even after it was discovered that he signed the subpoena. He later explained that he did not lie while testifying, and said he intentionally mislead Congress because they kept asking him questions about a subject that they knew would ultimately make him look like an idiot.



BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – U. S. Attorney General Eric Holder, states that Fox News is not giving him an opportunity to conduct an internal investigation on how and why their journalists were targeted by the Justice Department. He added that they have already passed judgment on him, even though he hasn’t concluded his investigation and presented his findings. Holder later explained that he knows the mindset of the people at Fox, because he reads their private emails on a daily basis.



BREAKING NEWS – Hollywood, California – The newly released “Hangover III” is said to be the frontrunner for the worst flick of 2013. According to theater owners, it is so bad, that after it ends, they have ushers standing at the exits giving all of the patrons a refund and an apology. Many of the theater owners also stated that they did the same thing in 2012 for the movie “Battleship”, and have done it several times over the past 10 years for films starring Eddie Murphy.

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