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By - August 11, 2013

Unconfirmed Breaking News/Aug 11th

AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM

BREAKING NEWS – Gulfport, Florida – Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson finally respond to the robbing and vicious beating of a white sixth-grader at the hands of three older African-Americans in Florida, despite a growing chorus of critics who called their silence hypocrisy given their recent, racially-charged condemnation of the Sunshine State. Jackson and Sharpton issued a joint statement that read, ”Just because three African-Americans were involved in some friendly ‘roughhousing’, we shouldn’t make a federal case out of it”.

 

BREAKING NEWS – San Diego, California – Many people are outraged at Mayor Bob Filner for refusing to take full responsibility for sexually harassing 13 women. Filner indirectly laid some of the blame on his victims that he groped stating that “The current public spectacle would have never taken place if these chicks weren’t so prudish and inhibited”.

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Burbank, California – During President Obama’s recent appearance on the “Tonight Show”, Jay Leno was visibly irritated at the Commander in Chief’s comment regarding the State Department closing 19 embassies and consulates worldwide in wake of a terror threat. Obama stated that after the deaths of Americans getting killed at the embassy in Benghazi, Libya, he is sick and tired of tired of hearing State Department employees “whining about additional security”. He said he has repeatedly suggested that they take courses in hand to hand combat, but they “recklessly rejected that idea and selfishly demanded more”.

 

BREAKING NEWS – Bloomfield Hills, Michigan – Smart Car CEO Annette Winkler, apologizes for promoting their latest vehicle and a boat, as a “limousine and yacht for midgets”. The ACLU is now encouraging dwarfs to file a class action lawsuit against the automaker, but Winkler responded by saying that their legal recourse should exclusively be in “small” claims court.

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Veracruz, Mexico – Two Mexican men excited about their upcoming trip are seen going over their travel plans. They are looking at the route that they, along with forty of their friends will be taking, after being given one way tickets to the U.S. border, on a Greyhound Bus chartered by the DNC.

 

 

 

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – In front of the Progressive Democrats of America, Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison touted the benefits of his proposed “Inclusive Prosperity Act”. He explained that ambitious successful people are destroying this country, because their destructive behavior is creating a larger financial gap between the “haves” and “have-nots”. Ellison went on to suggest that the government should either discourage people from becoming entrepreneurs, or to pass a law maximizing the amount of money they can earn. And any income made that exceeds a predetermined limit, should be distributed to people with a lower income, providing that the recipients promise not to attempt to create any new businesses.

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